Apologizing For My Emotions

It is in our idleness, in our dreams, that the submerged truth sometimes comes to the top.
-Virginia Woolf

I woke up at 3am from a strange dream. Monte and I were having a conversation and I was helping him like I have always done. It felt strange because of the hurt feelings that I have towards him at this moment, but I still love him and wanted to help him. Early this evening, we had a text conversation, one that was painful to me.
You see I was apologizing for being rude to him when we got off the phone earlier today, there was a better way in telling him how I felt than what I said and I was apologizing for not what I was saying, but for being rude. He text me back “Would you please stop with that. Ur looking pathetic. Please have some self confidence. You are forgiven, but you don’t have to be sorry for something so mild.” When I got that, I was offended, and I didn’t respond right away. Then I said to him “at first I was offended by your response. I’m not pathetic and I do have self confidence and it is growing. I know You said it out of love for me, but it still hurt my feelings.” Then he wrote back “Do not apologize for how you feel.” I wrote back that “I’m not, u did hurt me and I’m not pathetic.” I have not heard back from him after that, but he was going out tonight. This dream that I had this early morning, started off with me in my old house with Rick sitting in his old chair by the telephone and answering machine. He has been dead for almost 3 years and the look on his face when I was playing back the messages from Monte on the phone and from my other friends was not good, it was strange. I realized where I got the apologizing for how I was feeling from. I was not allowed to own my emotions and feelings, I had to suppress them so that this sick man could have everything he wanted, then it warped back into me in my new apartment, a part of me is dead to the old, but still living it in some aspects. Why am I doing that? I do not have to be sorry that I am angry with him, that he hurt my feelings, or that in my opinion he is being stupid again. I have every right to feel that way and I don’t have to hide how I am feeling. I am still hurt by Montes’ words, though my rational side believes he said it out of love for me, but the emotional side is deeply wounded. I need to give myself some space from him for a little while. Though in my dream we were talking and I was helping him problem solve. I still believe that we have this deep connection, this connection is deeper than anything I have ever felt with anyone in my life. I am still unclear about our relationship, all I know is we have an odd one.