Contemplating my own scheme of things in the areas of health, relationships, and finances is a difficult task that I have set before myself. I have been procrastinating, living in the web of denial that I have weaved for myself. That has to stop, RIGHT NOW! My body is out of balance, along with my spirit and soul. I need to stop living in this web of deceit and figure out how to get snap away this binding, tentacle that has grasped itself permanently to my body. I have been sadden lately, to be totally honest, for many years. I have gotten myself stuck in the same old rut that I wanted out so badly before. This relationship with Monte is always up in a roar. I’m struggling with this relationship, I have from the beginning. I like him a lot, I care about him too, I want to believe he feels that way towards me too. I have a hard time believing this and consequently I challenge him every change I get. Though now, I am not sure what is happening. I feel like apart of me has been cut off, violently ripped off and now I am hemorrhaging from the wound. I am slowly realizing, it isn’t him, it is me. I am the cause of my own emotional uproar, my own dilemma. I have to figure out what to do about these things, and not just with Monte. I have been way too dependent on him for help, and I think he feels it. That is why he probably runs from me. Amber is tired of hearing about my problems with Monte and she runs. I wish I could run from me too. I have so many things going on in this brain of mine. I have at least circled the problems. First, I am an emotional overeater, Second, I am passive aggressive and I get angry at myself and others when I cannot defend myself from others violations of my person hood. Thirdly, I am tired of this body I am in, I am tired of having no passion or joy in my life. Whew, that was so hard to get out. It is hard to get the truth out in the open, but I have to be honest and realistic with myself and with others in my life. Sometimes the only way is to write it out.
Now on to greener pastures, Amber and I have to decided to start our own support group for us overweight gals. We are poor and cannot afford spending our precious money on things that are frivolous as weight watchers, tops, or over eaters anonymous. I am sure those groups work, but sometimes you have to work with what you have. So instead of sitting and boo hooing over my weight, swollen ankle from the weight, health problems, and such. I am making me my mission, I have helped a lot of people in my life, so why am I not capable of helping me. Amber and I discussed this yesterday, and we want a rewards system, we want to have a system for helping each other when we are having a hard time, support, encouragement, and motivation are important factors to any new regime. If there is anyone else out there who wants to join the bang wagon, feel free to join. It is always easy to get motivated, but it is difficult to stay there. I am a strong believer that encouragement and support is important in ones life.
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