Changes Are A Coming

Changes are a coming. I’m thinking about change. I have to change a lot of things in my life or I will live a miserable life. Miserable by not having a true life. I’ve been without one for a long time that I have forgotten what it truly feels like. I forget that my friends have lives of their own and even family.
I keep making mistakes, I keep having dilemmas because I am making stupid decisions about my life. I get accused of being private, not telling the ones I love how I feel, what I want, what my opinion is, letting them know how they can help me, I don’t know what to say. This is a new experience for me, I have never been asked these questions in my life. I’ve been the caregiver of many people in my life, they acted like they were not interested, maybe some of them weren’t really. Who knows for sure now? I can’t ask those people if they were or not.
Though in my heart, I know that changes are true, but the emotional aspects are what is getting me. Do I have the self control that it is going to take to change my eating habits, do the things I am going to need to do to get healthy? Am I going to be able to get back up on my feet again in all the areas in my life? In all the aspects of my life, things are changing, I’ve been fighting the change, it seems to keep flooding out of me until the edges of the banks cannot hold the flood of water that keeps flowing over. I can’t live like this anymore and I have to practice self control and learn that fears are apart of my life. I think I will start here by writing each fear down that I have, concerning a person, place, or thing.
The first worry that I have is concerning losing weight and having self control in what I eat. I have this fear inside of me that I don’t have any self control. I let boredom overtake me sometimes. It is so much easier to head to the kitchen to eat something and watch the boob tube while I could be doing other things in my apartment to make it more mine and not a dismal existence.
The second fear I have is in my friendship with Monte, it has been an up and down relationship from the beginning. I seem to set him off, because of the way I think and do things. He tells me I am the only one who drives him crazy and he has ripped me apart a lot. He just did the other day. He did feel bad and apologized to me and I accepted it. I am just me, I don’t think like anyone else. I have a different perspective and a different attitude towards things. I also screw up a lot in my life, and it is because of my choice of being in a cocoon for so long. I am not now and I’m still on the learning, I don’t think we ever lose that learning period in our life. We learn until the day we die and maybe even after we are long dead and gone. It seems like every two months things are great and then they go bad, it is like a cycle between us and I’m going to have to go through the ebb and the flow and just be there for him and love him anyway. I do too. I also have to take care of me. He is excited about my upcoming procedure. He cares about me a lot and wants me to lose my weight. He says he is going to be there for me, it is rare for me that someone is going to be there for me and mean it. I hope he means it, I want him to mean it. I just wish that he didn’t exhibit so much anger and then all of a sudden love so often. I’ve had a lot of friendships and family relationships that were like that and I hate it. I don’t do that to them, I don’t stop loving them, ignore them, or drop out of their lives for a period of time just because they are doing something I do not like or anything, and I don’t want that done to me. I don’t like being a yoyo. I’m not talking about Monte here only, most of the people in my life have done this to me. I hate it a lot, I have accepted that, that is how some people are. I love every person in my life with my full heart and soul and I don’t want to lose relationships at all.