End Of A Year

The end of a new year is coming in just a few days and soon a new year will begin. The whole month of December has been a trying experience for me, as I am going through a cycle of change, death, and rebirth inside of myself. The last few months have been that way, things around me have been shifting. I do not deal with change well, really, do any of us?
One of the relationships that I have held dearly to my heart is in turmoil again, this cycle between us happens a lot. I don’t know if it is his moody behavior, his constant need for new people in his life, or his boredom with the old friends that he proclaims to care about, all I know is that it doesn’t feel good to be stabbed in the chest. I still care, I still want this relationship, but I am finding it difficult to let go and let him go on these rampages, especially when they literally tear me apart. I don’t like being called a parasite, or a flea that makes his skin crawl, or being told whenever, when I ask when we will hang out again, when I haven’t seen him in a month and he supposedly has a present for me for Christmas.
This I know for sure, I have to release this anger that is welling up inside of me, anger that I have never felt towards anyone in my life, even the abusers who have tormented and tortured me. When I dreamed that I went to his apartment, and I beat the living shit out of him, all the while screaming at him, that is a sign that I need to somehow release this anger, or else this relationship is going to go south quickly. I am a flexible person, I always have been, but for some reason, I am angry, maybe it is because the last few weeks, going to my councilor I have been dredging up my past and the authentic woman inside is angry and she is taking it out on the person who is closest and who is being a total jerk to her. See that is the problem, I see his side of it too, he has met a new friend that he wants to spend all his time with, and that is only human nature to do that, and I also know that we go through cycles in our relationship, and we always have.
So sitting in the bath tub this morning, I made a plan for me. I don’t want the end of a year to end badly, in losing a friendship, that I still hold close to my heart, so I decided to step back, let go, take no action, and turn inward to myself. Let others come to me, if they do, great, and if they don’t, I will be sad, but my tears will go away. They have before. It is hard for me to let go, it is going to take great strength and power inside of me to do this task, but it must be done. I am leaving it up to him, he wants the control, well he can have it. I am taking no action, and I’m doing that with all of my relationships. I have been the one to fight and nurture my relationships, and frankly, I am tired. My health, my spiritual self, and my authentic self all needs time to find the voice and the peace inside of me that I am going to need for the next half of my life.