Coming Out Of The Cocoon

It is wonderful, how soothing a hot bath can be to your soul. I am rediscovering that tool again, I lost it for so long. When I lived in my old house in Longview, Rick had to have a handicap shower stall and I lost my bathtub. I missed it. That house, boy, I can write a whole book on how much work that house needed. The house wasn’t the only thing that needed fixing, I did. I lost sight of who I was, it has been two years and 5 months since Ricks’ passing and I am still struggling with self care, and knowing how to become who I truly am. I have undermined myself in numerous ways, with my negative self talk, insecurities and I almost completely ruined a good relationship with a new found friend, who can’t understand why I don’t love me, since in his words “I have a good heart, and I am a good person.” We are rebuilding our relationship, I have been acting like a crazy lunatic and harassing him. I know why, it is complicated, it is something I have to actually take the time to heal before I lose everything. My core is broken, now I have to pick up the pieces that are shattered and piece them back together. It is not going to be easy, these steps, these lessons that I am learning, are helping me grow into a woman, the woman that I want to be. In the process of caring and loving someone else, I forgot to love me. I lost my mind, body, and soul to giving care to someone else. I am not in denial of the life that I have had, it makes me who I am. All the broken, battered pieces laying all around me, ready for me to discover them, pick them up, seal them with the gold and silver of the love that I have for me. It is a long road to recovery from that kind of life, a life of self destructiveness, self hate, and battery to myself and to the people who love me. It is so easy for me to give up and to just strangle someone else with my need to take care of them and with my own misery. I keep asking for patience, and then I keep wallowing in the pain. I am tired of wallowing in the pain, that is what I have been doing, I’ve been doing it for so long, it is hard to break out of the comfort zone. Everyone has given up on me, my sisters Vickie, Joy, my mom, Monte, Amber, Christina, Karen, Linda, and of course the most important person in all of this, ME. The cocoon is finally coming off, miraculously, I feel like the butterfly, I have for a long time, nestled in the cocoon, growing, changing, finding the colors that make her who she is, and then finally busting out of the cocoon. Beautiful, graceful, lovely, and herself, and not afraid to show others what she is all about. When you give up on the butterfly in the cocoon, she finally emerges out, flying happily away. Happy to be out of the dark place she was at, being herself, she doesn’t know where she is going, but she is going to wherever she is destined to be. That is the state of mind I am in right now. I am a student and I am ready to be taught to listen to my own voice.