Choices

What in the world am I going to do? Why am I keeping myself in this box that I made for myself? Why do I create chaos for myself? These are thoughts that are ravishing my brain this morning. I am contemplating and searching for the answers to these questions. These questions came to me last night, when in a moment of weakness I went back to my old ways, my self destructive ways, ways that do not serve me, but hinder me and the people I love.

So I am making a CHOICE, I am stopping this before it gets any further, before I permanently destroy myself. I have to make a CHOICE, to kick down the walls that are holding me in and move on. This is going to be an obstacle for me, but if I am conscious and think before I take action, the outcome will be better. I am choosing to live. Sarah Ban Breathnach says in her book “Something More” : “You may not realize it, but your life at this exact moment-it doesn’t matter who you are, where you are, or who’s getting ready to jerk your chain-is a direct result of CHOICES you made once upon a time. Thirty minutes or thirty years ago.”

This hit a sore spot for me, big time. I hate making decisions, I absolutely hate it. By me not making decisions is a CHOICE and that CHOICE lead me down this road that I am on now. I have given up my authority by CHOICE, because the fear of being wrong, thought of as stupid, or because I did not want to hurt someone, I made the CHOICE to relinquish control to someone else to decide what I wanted, needed, desired to live, or believed. I made the CHOICE to sit here disgusted, in pain, hurt, angry, frustrated, and like a doll, letting my every move be made for me. Consequently, I have wallowed and played the blame game, blaming everyone else for the problems that I have, the abuse they inflicted on me, the callused way they’ve treated me, and most importantly taking my freedom away. I also played into them thinking that I am scum, incapable, and not able to be. I made the Choice to live with Rick and stay for the eleven years, I made the Choice to stay stagnant and not do what I must to be the real me, that I dreamed of becoming. Instead I lived in a fantasy world of possibilities, never once taking a step forward. I got scared of the success of the hard work, dedication, time, and effort it would take to accomplish what I wanted. It was easier.

I do not like where I am right now, so I am making a conscious Choice to take the steps and be who I want to be, the person I know I am. My worse fears are coming true, I am becoming like my mother, living in a state of denial, grasping for air in my lungs. I have to step out of this perpetual hell that I made for myself and find my integrity, dignity, self worth, and love for myself. If I don’t I will surely become a bitter old hag. I cannot be in denial any longer and it is so easy to be that way. I am making the CHOICE to ask the universe to guide me, heal me, and show me the lighted path that is my destiny and not one that is not my own.