Loathe

I learned a new word today LOATHE, which means intense hatred and disgust. I feel this way towards me, I realized. It shows in my appearance, in my relationship with myself and with others, and in so many ways that it would take me a long time to list them all. I am reading a book that I bought for myself 4 years ago, I read it, I got some important information out of it, but the full concept of the book didn’t hit me until now. A couple of the chapters hit home. A moment of truth came over me, my heart started palpitating with this new insight, the words leaping hitting my minds eye, ingraining themselves into my brain. I screamed out “I LOATHE MYSELF!!” That is the problem, I am so disgusted with myself. So I asked myself this question “why do I loathe myself?” I came up with nine reasons rather quickly.

1) I give into others expectations, demands, ideals, views, opinions about my soul, happiness, possessions, future, past, present, and a lot of areas by.
A) people view me not as a lady/woman because of my appearance, manners, dress, and I have given them permission to do such a thing.
B) My appearance and expectations are high and so I give up without even trying, because I am not perfect or the ideal woman or lady.
C) by giving all my time, energy, finances, and spirit to benefit others and not myself.
D) Being nice and diplomatic when I want to feel like a bitch.

2) Because I do not stand up for myself, so I feel I don’t have integrity, dignity, and a soul.

3) Not being perfect in social situations. In my appearance, manner of speech, writing, eating, dressing, and so on.

4) I feel guilty for not trusting my instincts, being negative about others in my personal and outside life, and not trusting myself or others.

5) Feeling like a leach, user not only in finances, but draining of others energy and time.

6) Not being able to manage myself. Being told that I am incapable of such a feat by some people in my life and that I should relinquish control to them.

7) That I have a lot of flaws, including, weight, hair, dress, and so on.

8) Caring too much what others think or feel about me or other areas of my life. Their experiences are not mine, they should be valued, but not dissuade me from going down my path.

9) Lying to myself and others about all sorts of things.

I have read that W.B. Yeats described loathing oneself as such: “Self loathing is the silent hemorrhaging of the soul. You don’t feel or see the life force fleeing until it’s no longer there, and then, of course it’s too late.” Is it too late for me? I am not dead yet and I must be on some road to recovery, if I am able to comprehend and process this now. I also liked what Sarah Ban Breathnach wrote about self loathing too. She said : “If I were to assign a color to self loathing, it would be the bluish black and purple of an ugly bruise. This is what self loathing is, an ugly bruise that erupts on the surface of our lives or on our bodies; a warning that something serious is happening on a deeper level. We bruise when we bleed within.”
I have to accept that I am not going to meet anyone’s expectations, and therefore, shouldn’t expect anything from anyone else. I have to take time and love who I am, as well, as accept my flaws. No one is perfect and the illusion that I will become perfect is faulty. If I can accept with grace and truth that Monte, Amber, Vickie, Joy, Maurine, Carri, and whomever else I am in relationship with flaws, then why can’t I accept my own. That is my quest, I am making a conscious choice to accept all of me, flaws and all.